Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Good the Bad and the Ugly - 05/18/10

Countless hours of my life have been wasted on ridiculous worrying, self-conscious fretting, obsessive perfectionism, and neurotic over-thinking.

Caught off guard by an unexpected question, not hearing fully what someone has said, or not being on the same wave length, I say something completely off the wall that doesn’t fit the context. Moments later my slow brain catches up and I realize what caused the confused look on the person’s face. Horrified by the socially awkward moment, the projector in my brain clicks on and every time this has EVER happened quickly scrolls by for me to relive again for the umpteenth time.

Obsession with my body has plagued me my whole life. Looking back I realized that in every phase of my life I have never been happy with my body…even when I was 122 pounds as a senior in highschool. This self-consciousness, and discontent with my body robs me of the ability to relax and just be comfortable in my skin. While I should eat healthfully, and be conscious of my activity level, I need to realize that these things are merely the physical aspects of who I am. What would happened if I instead, expended this wasted energy on accepting myself the way I am, building my character, or encouraging someone else?

This weekend during the process of painting the living room, I nearly ruined the joy by obsessing on whether my free handing the trim was good enough. I knew myself…if I had to look at the slips it would spoil it for me. This pressure threatened to undo any pleasure that could have been had. The job I did was sufficient…not perfect but good enough. There is such a fine line between wanting to do a good job, and crossing over into critical, exacting, joy sucking, perfectionism. When I relaxed and embraced my best, I was able to step back from the wall and feel the thrill of enjoying the nearly finished product.

The internal harassment has been deafening since Thursday when I indeed finished the back of the sweater only to find that it still isn’t the correct size, and I am going to yet again have to start over for the fifth time. Giving up would be my normal M.O. I can’t tell you the number of projects which have been laid aside after losing the will to complete the project due to discouragement, boredom, or distraction. This pattern is disheartening. Not this time! I will start again.

These things are proof that Christ is not at the center of my life. I am! When I fixate so acutely, zeroing in on my every flaw, I have taken my eyes off of Jesus. This is just another reminder to step off the throne and let God reign supreme in every aspect of my life. J.

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