I did it! I auditioned! There were 6 Fishnet board members and 11 others in the room. The auditions were from 7 – 9 p.m. To start with there was a lot of yammering and inside jokes by the board members. In any other setting this would have really annoyed me, but I was so thankful to see the clock ticking away…time when I was not given a script and asked to read. Then it happened, the director gave scripts to a couple of people and said start on page # _ and away it went…I was so thankful not to have to go first. It helped me a lot to be able to watch the process a little before it was my turn.
I could feel it coming…I knew it was my turn and sure enough he handed me the script. I was reading for the part of a middle aged woman named Karen. She is angry…at her husband, at her daughter. Her daughter had eloped rather than hash out wedding plans with her controlling mother. So in the first scene Karen and her husband(read by Timothy thankfully) are arguing over nothing…like a robot I stood and walked to the stage. I was intimidated, nervous, shaking, and I know I looked like a deer in the headlights. It was an out of body experience…every eye in the room was boring into me. I wanted to die…literally I stood there wanting to die. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t really see anything…I had the first line and panic set in when it didn’t come…I looked at Timothy who said “Ok, let’s go.” I took a deep breath and said the line as I walked across the stage. Being a “cold read,” meaning having not learned the lines in advance, I struggled to have my lines and follow the stage direction in the script. I laughed nervously at one point, and lost character a couple of times. Then the buzzer, and the first read was over. My rubber legs carried me back to my chair where my ears went totally deaf, my face was hot with humiliation and my heart thudded nearly out of my chest. It wasn’t all bad…in hindsight I think I did ok…for my first try.
Other auditions went on for the next 15 minutes, and just when I had come back to my senses he handed me the script again. Those non-actors out there can probably relate to my horror, but again like a robot I stood and walked to the stage. This scene was a phone conversation between Karen and her daughter…long story but they didn’t realize they were in the same room. It was a little easier…I was blind, but I could hear. I walked through the lines, trying hard to just do my best. I flubbed a line terribly, but there were moments of not too bad. It makes me laugh thinking about it. The blessed buzzer, and then the chair again. Same deafness, same hot face, same thudding heart.
There were two other women reading for the part. Watching them read made me feel better. First I felt that my interpretation of Karen and her words was better than one of the ladies and second the other woman,(the directors wife) was FAR better than the two others of us. Both of these things made me feel relief. About and hour and a half in I read for the third time. This scene is a more emotional scene between Karen and her daughter where they are hashing out some of the problems between them. The feeling of summoning death was really heavy during this scene…I can totally relate to the character of Karen…and have had this very conversation with Hannah on so many occasions. One would think this would’ve prepared me for knocking it out of the park, but that was not the case. Again I felt my approach to the lines was good, but I was tired, wrung out and I so badly wanted it to be over. Though I know I was yet stiff, and awkward I really felt the emotion of this scene. As Karen was telling her daughter that she knows she’s been sniping and controlling, and she knows her daughter is growing up, but it’s hard as a mom…I could totally relate. I welcomed the buzzer and sat.
It was all I could do to sit there another half hour. Every scene I prayed “Lord please let me be invisible, please let him give the script to someone else, please let me be invisible.” I was exhausted, and done. I wanted to run out the door and never look back. Thankfully God heard my prayers and I never received the script again.
It took 2 hours for my stomach to stop hurting, my heart to return to a normal beat, and my face to return to its normal color.
Timothy came home from the after auditions board meeting with news that I had NOT gotten the part(Thank you Jesus!) It was given to the director’s wife. She has 30 years of acting experience, and is a drama teacher at a local Christian high school, so of course she is a seasoned actor and should have the part. RELIEF!!! I am SO thankful that it is over, that I wasn’t offered the part and that I can put this wretchedness behind me and be done with it. My only regret: I wish I had known that the director’s wife already had the part going into auditions, because then I could’ve avoided the entire thing…I wouldn’t have had to audition and go through all the emotional trauma of humiliating myself, nearly having a heart attack, or wishing for death.
I did learn something in the process.
A. There is no latent actor pent up inside of me just waiting to come out.
B. Don’t eat Panda Express right before a potentially stressful experience.
C. I love my husband so much I would jump in front of a…group of seasoned actors and humiliate myself
D. Last but not least…Dad was right(don’t tell him I said so) “Embarrassment is not the end of the world!”
Timothy – For your sake I’m sorry I wasn’t a natural. I know you had your heart set on the two of us acting together. In spite of the dread, and horror, I gave it my best, I truly tried with everything I had. It just wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know how I am going to use up the marital capital I gained in doing this for you…you may want to prepare yourself because you know what they say about pay backs. *winks* I love you Baby! J.
Proud of you for trying out.
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