Call Me Crazy!

I think it's well documented that I'm in somewhat of a mid-life crisis.  Well to be fair I don't really think of it as a crisis...maybe more of a growth spurt.  I'm learning so much right now it's overwhelming, yet fabulous. 

I'm sure you've heard in the blogosphere of others doing 30 before 30 or 40 before 40.  Well I'm working on a 50 before 50 list.  I will be 45 in December, and there are a bunch of things that I want to accomplish before I turn 50.  I will post the full list at some point, when I feel the time is right.  But in the mean time let me say...I'm taking a swimming class.  When I was a child I took years of classes.  Because of fear caused by poor vision in the pool, I never learned to swim proficiently.  I can swim enough to be safe for sure, but I want to swim well. 

Last night was my first class.  It was an experience to say the least.  Courtney(my teacher) has 3 students, 2 young 20 somethings, and me.  She began by asking what our goals were, what we hoped to accomplish.  The girls start excitedly explaining that they want to build endurance because they are participating in a triathlon in August.  They just learned to swim in March.  I sheepishly explained that I would like to learn "Swimmer's Breathing", and to do that fancy flip at the end of the lane for starters. 

She has us start with the kick boards taking several laps working on our kicks.  I was happy that I held my own, and my kick though it could use some tweaking, it was not too bad.  Then she had us show her our crawl stroke.  Well...off the girls went in what looked to be pretty great form. And then it happened.  I put on my goggles as we were discussing the breathing and she says quietly.  "Well, first, your goggles are upside down."  As I threw my head back and laughed I thought...Is there a difference???  A right side up?  :)  Too funny!  I'm so thankful that I can laugh at myself...otherwise I would spend my life sad and uncomfortable.  I almost couldn't practice the breathing because it really amused me.

So 15 laps later the class was over and I was still sputtering in effort to not panic, but just to breath in and out.  It just seems so unnatural.  I kept telling myself...You can totally learn to do this.  It feels unnatural now, but in just a few classes you will have this.  You can do this.  I hope that's true.  :)

I had a blast!  I'm so thankful that I stepped out of my comfort zone to learn something that I have wanted to master for literally my whole life.  I will let you know when I get it, and then it's on to that flip.  ;)  Oh, and this is not the only new thing I am going to learn in the next 5 years...stay tuned!  J.

Impulsive Decisions

Last week I went to the my hair stylist to get a hot oil treatment.  The appointment had been scheduled for 6 weeks, but on the day, I decided to get my hair cut instead.  Impulsively I had her cut it all off.  I don't regret having done it.  If I were being completely honest I would say that I may have gone a little too far...but that said I like it a lot.  Timothy really, REALLY likes it...and that makes me very happy.  

P.S.  Look at that girl's smile!  Too cute!

Happy Birthday Kesa - 21 6/14/11

Hannah, Jeanne, Laura, Kesa

Kesa turned 21 and of course we had to celebrate.  Notice how the bottom half of our faces look the same.

Off.The.Rails!

"Why it's as hard as a rock!!!" the old southern woman drawled referring to a frozen loaf of zucchini bread at a bake sale.  It wasn't stale, just frozen.  This has been me lately.  Frozen.  Fear, anger, lack of hope and vision have taken over and I can feel my heart... "Why it's as hard as a rock!"  It's as if I've driven my train off the rails and now I'm stuck in the ditch, and struggling to get up out of it.

It all started back in October when I first noticed the tremor in my hand.  It ticked on for 2 months.  Then it was in my arm, and then my back and then my other hand, and arm.  Not sure what was going on I Googled it and what I found scared me...so after a few months I went to the Dr. and finally after thousands of dollars in tests "We have to wait and see how the symptoms develop."  The Dr. said that we've ruled out all the things that you can definitely test for and that leaves the no big deal things, and the very scary things.

When the whole thing started I was in a good place.  My faith was strong, I was determined to live every single moment...and not miss anything.  In my heart I just knew that no matter what, it would be ok.  I realigned my life and thinking to spend as much time and energy doing what I wanted to do with my life.  

But as the time wore on, and the answers did not come as I had expected, things changed.  Sleep was a waste of time...so I would fight it.  I'd stay up watching mindless t.v., I'd spend money on adventures for the family, that let's face it, they might not have time to do, or even want to for that matter.  I stopped picking up my clothes beside the bed...I just let them pile up.  I stopped paying our bills. I didn't take my daily medicine, I ate whatever I wanted, laid around in bed, delaying getting up.  I was late to work every day for weeks, and left early at every opportunity.  I dropped the ball on my church responsibilities and things have been left undone.  Unsettled, nothing made me happy...the more clothes, bills, and pounds piled up I became more and more agitated.  Grumpy, impatient, and angry I schlepped through the day wishing I could just be alone, but crying and feeling sorry for myself if I was.  I didn't want to blog, I had nothing to say.  I couldn't share what I was struggling with, because I didn't want everyone in my life to know about the tremor.  Too many questions that I didn't have any answers too.

Bottom line I became very closed, self-focused, and out of control.  My marriage was a lot of work, work was a lot of work...the only thing that brought me joy was when I was surrounded by my family...of course my heart was melted by Missy Eva and her preciousness.  Overall the noise, and interactions drowned out the internal noise.  Faking it was my friend...I gave dozens of Oscar level performances when I felt like I had nothing positive to give.  "Plaster a smile on it and avoid anything deeper" was my internal conversation.

There are so many things I wanted to do, goals for my life that I wanted, but now felt were hopeless.  I gave up. I wallowed, felt sorry for myself, blamed, especially Timothy, that things in my life were different than I wanted them to be. 

And then this week I saw it for what it was...grief, and depression.  I grieved because the tremors were like a death of my dreams...everything was different, but nothing was defined.  Depression set it, and caught me off guard.  The more I sunk into the gloom, and negativity, the more I hated it. 

No more!  NO MORE!  I'm deciding right now to knock it off.  I have picked up my clothes, I've been reminding myself to take my medicine, and am going to get myself out of bed everyday, I've joined a gym to hopefully address the extra 8 pounds that have taken up residence on my bum(and the other however many that don't need to be there as well).  I'm going to do the things I want to do, walk toward my dreams as if I have 60 more years to live. 

This doesn't mean I've solved it and the train is speeding down the track toward the life of my dreams, it just means I'm seeing it for what it is and am trying to get back up the rail bed onto the tracks.  It means my heart is thawing. 

Help me, my friends.  Please hold me accountable, and give me a hand getting the train back up on the tracks...and please forgive me for hiding and not being the friend I should have been.  Forgive me for not being there for you as you needed me to be.  Most of all...Timothy: please forgive me for being so high maintenance, for all the grumpy, rude, unloving things I've said, and for the way that I've shut you out.  I'm so sorry!  I love you Babe.  Thanks for loving me through it.    J.

 

Late Night Thinking

It's in the late night hours(which I don't normally see awake) I find myself thinking.  I lay here in bed, Timothy quietly snoring next to me, the cat on the window sill, frog noises coming in the open window.  I'm too tired to do anything such as read, or knit.  So I lay...thinking.  My cat has come across and is now laying on my chest...purring loudly.  He evidently needs a bath...as he has begun taking one right here on top of me(yes LS. it is a little gross...I have to admit!  :).  Tears have risen to my throat for the third or fourth time tonight.  I'm not unhappy, upset, or even sad...just emotional.  When I take a good long look at my life I feel so thankful.  I'm thankful for my beloved husband...everything from the way my hand fits in his...to the way he gets that funny look on his face.  Thankful for all the happy, peaceful, contented times...and the bumps in the road too.  I'm thankful for the kids...the two that came from my body, and all the others that jumped into our hearts.  I'm thankful for my parents...I love you Mom and Dad!  Happy 75th Birthday Mama!  I love the feeling of your face against mine as we hug!  It stayed with me all day!  I hope you know what you mean to me! 

I'm thankful...just plain thankful...and it makes me emotional.  J.

Half Full/Half Empty

I am a morning person.  Normally I wake organically between 4 - 5(the older I get it's getting to be 5 - 6).  The moment my eyes open I begin to think about all the appointments, the meetings, the tasks of the coming day.  All the potential of the day excites me.  I look forward to accomplishing, connecting...and I purposely anticipate the happiness that this day holds.

Today that is not the case.  Half empty is the best way to describe how I feel.  Dread and fear threaten to wash over me.  What will today bring?  Will I find answers...or just more questions?  Will the future be clearer or more muddy?  Dread and fear.

And as the water cools in my bubbly bath, and I change the music on my Pandora from melancholy piano music to Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace... "My chains are gone, I've been set free.  My God my Savior has ransomed me.  And like a flood His mercy reigns.  Unending love, Amazing Grace."  Hope.  Perspective. 

This day just like every other holds no promise in and of itself.  There are no guarantees of  a great day...things going as I hope...no unavoidable demise around the next corner.  Things good and bad will happen today.  A series of choices face me...what will I decide to do?  I choose to be kind to annoying co-workers, and I will encourage a discouraged old woman where I can. I will ask the questions that my heart is pondering, and get whatever answers are there to be had.  I will seek expert advice and rely on what they know...which is considerably more than I know.  

More importantly I choose to hope in the Eternal, Sovereign God who has a perfect plan for my life.  He knows what today holds, and He is more than enough to get me through whatever it is that today holds. I will trust Him.  I will trust in His plan...in His wisdom.  I choose Half-full!  J.

First Words

Can you say proud Grandma?

Little Eva at 4 months, said her first words this week.  Sorry Mommy...it was "Da Da" 

Check out this adorable video: