Sunday, May 29, 2011


"Why it's as hard as a rock!!!" the old southern woman drawled referring to a frozen loaf of zucchini bread at a bake sale.  It wasn't stale, just frozen.  This has been me lately.  Frozen.  Fear, anger, lack of hope and vision have taken over and I can feel my heart... "Why it's as hard as a rock!"  It's as if I've driven my train off the rails and now I'm stuck in the ditch, and struggling to get up out of it.

It all started back in October when I first noticed the tremor in my hand.  It ticked on for 2 months.  Then it was in my arm, and then my back and then my other hand, and arm.  Not sure what was going on I Googled it and what I found scared after a few months I went to the Dr. and finally after thousands of dollars in tests "We have to wait and see how the symptoms develop."  The Dr. said that we've ruled out all the things that you can definitely test for and that leaves the no big deal things, and the very scary things.
When the whole thing started I was in a good place.  My faith was strong, I was determined to live every single moment...and not miss anything.  In my heart I just knew that no matter what, it would be ok.  I realigned my life and thinking to spend as much time and energy doing what I wanted to do with my life.  

But as the time wore on, and the answers did not come as I had expected, things changed.  Sleep was a waste of I would fight it.  I'd stay up watching mindless t.v., I'd spend money on adventures for the family, that let's face it, they might not have time to do, or even want to for that matter.  I stopped picking up my clothes beside the bed...I just let them pile up.  I stopped paying our bills. I didn't take my daily medicine, I ate whatever I wanted, laid around in bed, delaying getting up.  I was late to work every day for weeks, and left early at every opportunity.  I dropped the ball on my church responsibilities and things have been left undone.  Unsettled, nothing made me happy...the more clothes, bills, and pounds piled up I became more and more agitated.  Grumpy, impatient, and angry I schlepped through the day wishing I could just be alone, but crying and feeling sorry for myself if I was.  I didn't want to blog, I had nothing to say.  I couldn't share what I was struggling with, because I didn't want everyone in my life to know about the tremor.  Too many questions that I didn't have any answers too.

Bottom line I became very closed, self-focused, and out of control.  My marriage was a lot of work, work was a lot of work...the only thing that brought me joy was when I was surrounded by my family...of course my heart was melted by Missy Eva and her preciousness.  Overall the noise, and interactions drowned out the internal noise.  Faking it was my friend...I gave dozens of Oscar level performances when I felt like I had nothing positive to give.  "Plaster a smile on it and avoid anything deeper" was my internal conversation.

There are so many things I wanted to do, goals for my life that I wanted, but now felt were hopeless.  I gave up. I wallowed, felt sorry for myself, blamed, especially Timothy, that things in my life were different than I wanted them to be. 

And then this week I saw it for what it was...grief, and depression.  I grieved because the tremors were like a death of my dreams...everything was different, but nothing was defined.  Depression set it, and caught me off guard.  The more I sunk into the gloom, and negativity, the more I hated it. 

No more!  NO MORE!  I'm deciding right now to knock it off.  I have picked up my clothes, I've been reminding myself to take my medicine, and am going to get myself out of bed everyday, I've joined a gym to hopefully address the extra 8 pounds that have taken up residence on my bum(and the other however many that don't need to be there as well).  I'm going to do the things I want to do, walk toward my dreams as if I have 60 more years to live. 

This doesn't mean I've solved it and the train is speeding down the track toward the life of my dreams, it just means I'm seeing it for what it is and am trying to get back up the rail bed onto the tracks.  It means my heart is thawing. 

Help me, my friends.  Please hold me accountable, and give me a hand getting the train back up on the tracks...and please forgive me for hiding and not being the friend I should have been.  Forgive me for not being there for you as you needed me to be.  Most of all...Timothy: please forgive me for being so high maintenance, for all the grumpy, rude, unloving things I've said, and for the way that I've shut you out.  I'm so sorry!  I love you Babe.  Thanks for loving me through it.    J.


1 comment:

  1. What a season! I'm sorry it's been so discouraging for you. I know what it's like to feel despair from health concerns and disappointment and heartache. I am praying for your new perspective, that you will be strong and not grow weary. And for healing. God sees you even now, and He made you wonderful! There is grace for you, dear friend, and lots of people ready to love on you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Your vulnerability is beautiful. Hugs!