Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Can't Breath = Can't Sleep

Struggling with our second bout of congestion/cough/fever/cold.  Tonight...well this morning...I woke at 2:00 a.m. when my decongestant ran out.  Laying there trying to decide...should I wake up enough to take more decongestant so I can actually go back to sleep?  Finally decided,  I fumble around in the dark finding the correct packet, fight to get it open, swallow the pills, and wait...and wait...and wait some more.  

Then CLICK it happened, my brain turns on and that is it...I'm wide awake and I begin mulling over the festering heart wound I've been avoiding since Sunday.  

Just when I'm relaxed and feeling the most comfortable WHAM!  He hits the target with a sound blow coming out of left field, I don't see it coming so take the full force of the blow and feel the concussion throughout.  There it is!  Blindsided, I ask myself...what?  Why would he say that?  What is he doing?  This is what he really wants? Or is he trying to make a point?!? No wait!!!  I don't understand!  Why is he saying that?  Did I do something wrong?  Why is he like that?

When confronted his reasoning was lame and made no sense.  It's deja vu and I don't understand it!  Hmmm if he's trying to make a point...what is it and why?  Upset, I ask myself am I over thinking it?  I don't think so...Am I hyper-sensitive?  Probably. I consciously decide to shake it off and let it go...for now...it's my birthday, I'm surrounded by my family, everything's perfect...well up to that moment.  Hit ignore and move on...

Ignore only works until 2:00 a.m. on a night when the decongestant only lasts 4 hours...then it's back...fresh and new as if it just happened...the hurt, and confusion, I mean.  Something is going on.  I'm going to have to talk to him.  It's hard, but it's now 3:00 a.m. and there are tears in my eyes. Something real is going on...a reason that he does this. That he says things like that.

Lord help me to be a wise, patient, loving mother.  Help me to know when to speak, and when to listen.  Help me to see clearly my son's heart and give me just the right words to speak at just the right moment.  Help us to sort out the issues and Lord I ask especially that you would make me less and you more...help me to lay aside my tears, and hurt to be the kind of mother that he needs me to be.  Help me to understand what is really going on here and know what specifically to do.  J.  

And P.S. Father could you help me get back to sleep for two more hours?  Please?

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