Frozen in Fear

We are having a really weird weather day. At noon it was warm, clear blue sky with wispy white clouds…by 1:30 it was dark, heavy storm clouds, wind, and pounding rain. That’s why they say “This is Washington, if you don’t like the weather wait a few minutes it will change!” True enough today!

On another note…I’ve been thinking a lot about this thing I do. I’ve referenced this before here and here,but I have been taking it out and really having a good look at it and I am determined to deal with it and move forward without it. After setting a goal, I’m really excited about it. I can even make really great progress toward the goal. As I approach either completion or a hard spot…when I’m right at the most critical moment I sabotage myself, and eventually give up. Why do I do that I ask myself?

I believe it is a fear of failure. Sitting with that a moment…letting that sink in…feeling the heat rise to my cheeks and my heart begin to race. It’s really intense for me to even type those words. I feel light-headed. Fear of failure. FEAR of failure. Fear of FAILURE. 3 words…3 powerful words.

Strangely I think I am just as afraid to succeed!?!

What I know to be true: 2 Timothy 1:7 “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.” I need to ruminate more. J.

Goals

Dreaming has never really been an important part of my life. In fact I’ve always resisted dreaming as it was discouraged in my family growing up. I think reality was always looming and my parents didn’t want us to be disappointed. I have since been thinking quite a bit about it and wishing I had done more of it. I tend to be so reality driven that I don’t know how to think outside the box, or think beyond the known. I can eat the same sandwich or lunch every day for months on end before I tire of it. It’s comfortable and expected. I don’t really need too much variety. I don’t consider myself to be creative and I think this may very well be the source of why, I haven’t dreamed enough. Knitting and sewing from a pattern yes, but creating the pattern definitely not. Cooking from a recipe, yes totally, but choosing the right ingredients to put together to make a fabulous dish, not so much.

The same is true with goals, I’ve never spent much time setting goals for myself. I did so for my children, I could see the benefit of that but I never have really focused on this much for myself.

Recently I set a goal of making my daughter-in-law a maternity sweater. The project was fairly ambitious, for me, and I was really excited about it. As I got into the project and hit a section that required more attention I laid it down because I wasn’t in a position to focus acutely at the time, and I haven’t picked it back up again and that was a month or more ago. It makes me so sad.

I want to dream about all the things of interest and imagine all that God’s potential for us might be. I want to know the joy of setting goals, working toward, and accomplishing them.

I’m going to finish the sweater! Then onto the next goal! J.