I love to look at old pictures, and to remember the exact look on one of the kids faces, or the laughing until our sides ached. And other times I imagine what it will be like when Eva can sing along with me when I sing a song, or I can imagine a time when Timothy and I are really old, still walking hand in hand....those hands covered in fragile, very wrinkled skin.
And then there are other times, when I am acutely aware of every thing about right now...this very moment. That's how it is tonight. Maybe because Timothy and I have literally been in bed sick for two days(I teased him and said our laying in bed reminded me of the old people in Charlie and Chocolate Factory, how they just laid in bed all day), but I'm thinking about everything, everyone, and I'm emotional, really emotional. I'm thinking about how much I love and cherish my Parents, and am sad that they are aging, that we all are aging. I feel a bit of fear about the possibility of losing Timothy somehow, sooner rather than later...for some unexpected reason. I'm not borrowing trouble here...just holding on a little tighter tonight. Loving a little more intensely. Appreciating, and savoring those I hold the dearest.
What I'm feeling is a realization that now is now. I don't want to live in the past, or long so much for a different future. I want to love that our house is full to overflowing. I want to look past the mess, to appreciate the pile of people watching t.v. in my livingroom. I want to soak in all the noises, voices, and warmth of those who are the loves of my life. I want to bask in right now, right now. J.