I struggle to know what to say. I’m hurt. Tears well up in my throat and I’m angry. Why does he always feel like he has to say something critical or grumpy? Why does he tear down instead of building up? Why do his words hurt me so much? 3 small words…cut me like a knife.
I say “You are too critical, just once it would be nice if you would say something positive” and I walk away. I round the corner and the tears are hot on my face, the sobs threaten to strangle me as I fight them off. I pull myself together because I have to smile and be on. I have responsibilities.
Standing smiling, having normal conversations. It’s all a facade. My mind is racing…was his criticism right?
Self-consciousness. Self-doubt.
Going through the motions, pretending everything is fine. Smiling. Small talk.
Self-criticism…Will I never grow up? Lord will I be an internal child when I am 54? 64? 74? 84? How do I get my skin to thicken? Do I really want that?
Add this to the pile of other criticisms.
I love him. That’s why I care what he thinks of me. I love him.
Anger instead of forgiveness. I need to forgive him. He is what he is. I can’t change that. It hurts. Lord help me to forgive him…not just for this one daggering comment, but for all the comments over the years.
Can I talk to him about it? He will only say that I am being too sensitive. AGH! Am I? Is it just me? Isn't he being INsensitive? Aren't his words critical, negative, harsh, rude? Isn't it natural to be sensitive to words like that?
Lord help me to use my tongue to encourage, to love, to bring happiness, to build confidence. Help me to filter wisely what I say. Help me to see where I have been stupid and hurt others with careless, harsh, words.
There it is…perspective. I am just like him. Flawed.
I love you! I forgive you. 3 words…heal the cut. J.
